PETITIONS GATHERED TO DATE
Congratulations! Out of nearly 300 million Americans, you have been selected to promote Stephen Colbert's I Am America (And So Can You!) on your wildly popular television show. I'm writing to express my excitement on your behalf. This is the break you've been waiting for!
You're probably wondering, "what's the catch?" No catch—all you have to do is make this incredible work an official selection of your famous and influential Book Club. In return, you will receive a personal audience with Stephen Colbert, and, let's say, a hundred bucks.
And face it: your book club has a troubling record. So far, you've given your implicit endorsement to liars, hermaphrodites, the apocalypse, and, in honoring Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Fidel Castro. All of which are actively plotting to destroy America. Isn't it about time you chose a book that cared about this nation?
You even gave your blessing to Cry, the Beloved Country. That beloved country? Not America.
Selecting I Am America (And So Can You!) for your Book Club will go a long way toward erasing the long-standing concerns and nagging doubts about your patriotism that have dogged you ever since they were first raised in this letter. Otherwise, it's not looking good. To be honest, it's very suspicious that you have a Book Club in the first place.
Oprah, we love you. Please don't pass on this exclusive, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to clear your name.